Holidays

We have been away on holiday and now we are back. I swam in the sea and I got sand in my paws. We built lots of sandcastles and ate lots of ice creams. Jezza put one of his ice creams on a sandcastle and said it was a sculpture. He called it 'King Cone of the Castle'. It was rubbish. And a waste of an ice cream.

Honey is now more grumpy than ever because she wanted to stay on holiday. I like holidays. But I like coming home best of all too.

A bit of trouble

There has been a bit of trouble with Honey. She was supposed to be looking after me and Jezza when we were poorly and ill. But she was not a good nurse. She was very shouty and cross and it made me feel not good at all. And I never got the soup that Trevor had made very especially for me.

But she did something very naughty. She threw out one of Jezza's Rubbish Sculptures. She said that it looked like a box of nasty old tissues and stuff.

It DID look like a box of nasty old tissues and stuff but with Jezza you never know what is art and what is not so you must always leave well alone.

Now Jezza has an even more hurty throat after shouting at Honey.

And Honey has very sore ears.

Now Jezza has joined in

Now Jezza has joined in and is telling everyone that he is poorly. Quite honestly it is hard to tell whether he is or he isn't. If Jezza is very well he sleeps most of the time. And if he is poorly he sleeps most of the time. But when he is poorly he groans quite a bit too. And he is groaning at the moment. Very loudly.

Schnoss says that it must be terrible to be a giraffe with a sore throat. And I suppose it must. But it is not much fun being the rabbit who has to stand on a step-ladder so that she can pour gallons of cough mixture down that throat either.

I am starting to feel quite poorly and sick with exhaustion myself.

Little Doogs says he is poorly

Little Doogs says he is poorly so I am going to have to write on here for a while. I am Honey, the very attractive and pretty rabbit. And I am the one with the brains too. And if you don't agree with me I will show you one of my karate moves and that will soon change your mind.

Little Doogs says he is ill because he is shivering and cold and he keeps sneezing. He is also making some very unpleasant smells. I think it is so he can get everyone running around after him. But not me. Oh No! I am keeping my distance from his sneezes. I have made myself a very pretty face-mask out of a lace hankie and some ribbon.

Trevor asked me to take him some soup. But I think if Little Doogs is poorly and shivering in bed he is too poorly to eat. So I have had the soup. Tomato and basil. And very nice it was too.

Weather!

I had just got used to the hot sunshine. I had been drinking lots of water and eating lots of ice lollies. I had covered up my head with a hat and I had put on lots of sunscreen. Trevor has squirted lots of water down his trunk to cool us all down. It was fun and good.

Now it is raining.

Schnoss says that it is good for the flowers and plants because they need a good long drink.

I think Trevor could just have squirted them and the sun could have stayed out. That would have been much nicer and better.

My gift for Schnoss

I did not know what to get for Schnoss for his birthday. I have not got very much money and I did not think he would like any of the things I have collected in my Special Notebook.

I was feeling a bit sad. Then I remembered that when I am feeling moody and have the grumps Schnoss always says that he would like to see me smile.

I have seen Schnoss writing out cheques to pay for things so I thought that I could make a cheque of my own for him.

Trevor said it was a good idea. He wrote down everything I had to write and I copied it down in my very best writing.

I think it is very good. Schnoss thinks so too. I am going to make him some more to go with it.

Schnoss's birthday

It was Schnoss's birthday a few days ago and everbody had a jolly and a happy time. Honey did her singing and that was not jolly and happy. It was screechy and awful and made my ears ache. But Schnoss clapped and said it was very lovely thank you very much. And he liked personal presents like that.

Which is a good thing because Jezza had made him a very personal present. It was a sculpture made out of some of Schnoss's favourite things. But I think Schnoss would rather have his tape measure in his pocket and not mixed up with some string, 2 carrots and his favourite tie. I saw him unravelling it all when Jezza was not looking.

Everyone enjoyed the cake that Trevor had made. It was delicious and scrumptious and had thick icing on top with Schnoss's name written in curly writing. There was just one candle for him to blow out. I do not know how old Schnoss is but I do know that he is older than 1 so that seemed a bit silly. Maybe he does not have enough puff to blow out any more. It can be hard work.

I made a very good and clever present for Schnoss but I will tell you all about that next time.

More birthday stuff!

Honey is practising singing her songs. It is awful and horrible. I don't think listening to that will make Schnoss's birthday very happy. In fact I think it will make him poorly and sick.

I have had an idea for a present for Schnoss. But it will mean a lot of writing and I am not very good at writing. I will have to try my very best and hardest to make it special.

Birthdays

It is Schnoss's birthday very soon so we are planning a big surprise party.

Trevor is going to bake a cake. A sponge one with creamy stuff and jam in the middle. Honey says that he should make a carrot cake.

"But that is YOUR favourite cake, Honey," Trevor told her. "I will bake one for you on your birthday. Everyone should have what THEY want on their own birthday, and Schnoss is rather fond of a piece of sponge cake."

Jezza says that he will make a special Rubbish Sculpture for Schnoss. I'm not sure that Schnoss will actually want one of Jezza's sculptures. But as Trevor says, it is the thought that counts. I don't know what Jezza is thinking about though, because I've seen him with a pile of bricks and a plastic bottle - a very strange thought if you ask me.

Honey says she will sing her best song to Schnoss and maybe do a little dance for him. I'm glad that it is not my birthday.

I do not know what to give to Schnoss as a present. I do not have any money. I cannot make anything and my singing is not very good.

I need to think of something - FAST!

Slugs

Slugs!

Slimy

Slithery

Ugly


Squishy

Squashy

Slippery

Eeuurrgghh!


NASTY!

Jezza's latest Rubbish Sculpture Thing

This is Jezza's latest Rubbish Sculpture Thing.

I think it looks like a flying saucer. When Jezza was not looking I picked it up and threw it quite hard. I wanted to see if it would hover. It did not. It ended up in a bush.

Honey thinks it looks like a hat. She put it on her head and swanked around a bit, like a model-type rabbit. She looked very funny.

Trevor thinks it looks like something that used to be in his kitchen but that has gone a bit melted.

Schnoss doesn't think anything about it. He just raises his eyes, shakes his head and tuts alot.

Jezza thinks it is one of his best Rubbish Sculptures yet.

I think he might be right.

Yummy stuff

I don't know what it is like where you are but it is miserable here: all rainy and a bit chilly. And I am sad because I have no friends. And it will make me sadder still to tell you about that now so I think maybe you should read the book all about me. You can see all about it and everything on www.theschnoops.com

When I am sad Trevor makes me something very special to drink. And that special something is Hot Chocolate and today he let me help him.

First we put some milk in a pan and hotted it up. And the important thing is that you have to have a big grown up person or a big grown up elephant like Trevor to help you do that.

When the milk is getting hotted up you put some chocolate in a jug. I wanted to put a whole bar in but Trevor said that wasn't necessified. I think it was, but I broke the bar in half and broke it into pieces. Trevor said there was still too much chocolate but that it wouldn't be healthy and good if I picked it out with my paws so it stayed there.

When the milk was at the point of boiling bubbles Trevor picked the pan up with his trunk and poured some of it over the chocolate. It all went melty and streaky and then Trevor whisked it up with a frother. And I helped and it went very bubbly. And quite a lot went over the table.

Then Trevor put the pan back on the heaty ring and when it was boiling bubbles again he took it off and poured it over the chocolatey milk. He frothed it all the time too. Which is very clever when you think about it.

When it was all smooth and chocolatey he poured it into 2 mugs and put some marshmallows on top. It was very delicious and yummy.

I feel quite a bit better now.

Honey is...Rubbish...Sculpture (by ME)

You know how Jezza is always making his 'Rubbish Sculptures' and he thinks they are so wonderful when we all know they are well, rubbish. Well I thought that I could make one too and it would be better than his.

I did not know what to make and then I saw Honey and thought that I could do a sculpture based on her. I wanted to put a carrot in it because she is always eating them. But I could not find any. She must have eaten them all up.

So I used an onion instead.

I think it looks rather good.

Honey does not.

A question

If someone asks you a question and you do not think they will like the answer must you say the true and right thing anyway?

Schnoss says that I must never ever tell a lie. But sometimes it is hard to tell the truth. Especially when you know that Honey will go all shouty and possibly hit you quite hard on your bottom.

If she asks me whether she looks nice and pretty in her new dress and shoes and I think that she looks like a sack of potatoes which has just fallen off the back of a lorry, what should I tell her?

Next time someone asks me a question like that I am just going to stick my paws in my ears and pretend that I have not heard.

Rubbish Sculpture No.3

These are photographs of Jezza's latest Rubbish Scuplture. But because it is kind of big he calls it 'A Natural Open Air Installation'.

Its tile is: 'Organic Marketing'...Well that does not sound right, does it?

That is because I am wrong. Jezza wrote its proper title down for me it is:

'ORGANIC MARQUETRY'

Nope, I do not know what that means either.

It looks like a big pile of sticks to me.

Sunshine!

The sun is out. It seems ages since it was properly out and shiny and quite warm and hot. So I am going to enjoy it.

I have got Jezza's bowler hat on my head so it does not get too hot. (Jezza is asleep and does not know I've borrowed it yet.) I have sun cream on my nose...and my paws....and all over my Special Notebook.

I am going to sit down and look at a book and watch the birds flying about with twigs in their beaks. They are building their nests I think. They look far too busy on a lazy sunny day like today.

We have been away

We have been away and now we are back. We went to see Great Aunt Betty. She is very big and round and hairy. She is a gorilla. I like Great Aunt Betty because she does funny things. She also lives on a boat. I do not like the boat bit, it makes me feel a bit sick.

Great Aunt Betty gave me a huge big chocolate Easter egg but I did not eat it until I was safe and dry on land that did not move. I started to eat it in the van as we were driving back. It was very big and it sort of melted on my paws. And then my paws sort of wiped themselves on Honey's dress. Honey was not happy. She got very shouty actually. But I think she was still feeling a bit sick from the boat too because she did not shout for as long as she usually does.

I gave her a big piece of my egg. That seemed to cheer her up. She put it in her pocket until we got home.

Potty!

I was jumping along pretending to be a kangaroo. BOUNCE BOUNCE BOING-I-TY BOUNCE.
I do that sometimes. It's fun!

Honey saw me and said,
"Little Doogs, you are potty!"

I'd never heard that expression before and it made me laugh.

"Potty! Potty! Potty!"

It sounded so funny I had to keep saying it. Then I kept saying it as I was bouncing and that was even funnier because my voice went all wobbly.

Then I bounced right into Honey who fell right into one of Jezza's Rubbish Sculptures. It was made up of all sorts of cans and stuff. She toppled over and got her bottom stuck in a can of paint.

"Now YOU'RE potty," I laughed. "PAINT POTTY!"

I thought that was very funny. Honey didn't though. She got quite cross and angry.

I'm pretending I'm a kangaroo somewhere else now until she's calmed down.

my special notebook

Sometimes I stick things in my Special Notebook because they are shiny. Sometimes I stick something in it because I like the colour or it is a funny shape. Sometimes I stick things in there because I think they might be useful later.

Special Things

I was looking through my Special Notebook for Special Thoughts and Special Things. I have lots of lovely things in there: feathers which are white and very soft, feathers which are stripey and a bit scratchy. I have jewels and shiny spangles and a lollipop which shouldn't be there really but it stuck to the pages when I put it down.

I was looking round for something else to stick into my Special Notebook when I saw a round tube on the ground. I picked it up and looked at it and the top fell off. I looked at it again and saw that it was a lipstick thing. You know, it's like a big fat crayon and when you put it on your lips it makes them go all sticky and a funny colour. It was a good thing to draw with. So I did.

When Honey saw what I was doing she went all shouty.

"Put that down you naughty Puppy Boy!" she yelled. "That is my very special lipstick and it cost me lots of money!"

I think that if it was so precious the silly Rabbit Lady should not have dropped it on the ground. She should keep it about her person at all times like I do with my very special things.

It is very bright and sunny today so I have been out walking with Trevor. Everywhere smells of fresh air. My paws smell of fresh air and I think my ears probably do too but my nose won't stretch that far.

I had just been looking at all the blossoms and the flowers and the new leaves when I heard a funny sound behind me. It sounded like someone was knocking on a tree. I looked up through the branches with peeped-up eyes but I couldn't see anything. Then I heard the sound again. It sounded like drumming.

"Maybe someone is living inside the tree!" I said to Trevor.

And then I thought what it would be like to live inside a tree. It would be all warm and smell of wood when the sun was shining. And it would be all small and snuggly inside the trunk. But when it is cold and damp it would smell musty and moldy. And I bet there are lots of spiders which would creep up your bottom when you are asleep.

"I think we should try to rescue the person who is stuck inside the tree," I told Trevor anxiously. "He probably has a spider up his bottom."

Trevor just laughed.

"No-one is stuck inside the tree," he said. "Look!"
He pointed with his trunk and way, way up at the top of the tree there was a bird. He was tap-tap-tapping the tree.

"It's a woodepecker!" Trevor told me.

I thought that was a very sensible name for a bird like that. In fact I shouldn't be called 'a puppy', I should be called 'a baconsandwichnibbler'.

Spring!

I have lost my camera. I hope that Jezza hasn't used it in one of his sculptures. It is not good because I wanted to take a photograph to show you. I wanted you to see all the colourful flowers that have suddenly sprung up.

One minute the trees were all bare with black branches and now there are leaves and blossoms on them. And where there was just grass there are yellow daffy-dillows* and purple and white croke-hisses* and everywhere looks full of colour again and makes me want to smile.

It makes me want to do more than smile it makes me want to bounce around. I think that is why it is called Spring because people are so happy they spring around everywhere
BOING
BOING
BOING...

OOPS. I've just sprung on to Honey's foot. She is not happy. She is in fact HOPPY. And she is full of the NOISE of Spring because she is shouting out some very rude words. She called me a 'Stupid Pup-Face' which is not very nice at all and quite hurtful.

I am going to go and spring somewhere else.

*Little Doogs meant 'daffodils' and 'crocuses'

Swinging

I was feeling a bit sad and upset earlier this week.
"I know what will cheer you up!" Honey said, holding out her paw. "Come on!"
She can be really very nice sometimes.

We walked for a little while and ended up in a playground where there was a slide, a roundabout and some swings.

"This is just what you need Little Doogs!" she laughed and lifted me up on to a swing. "Hold on tight!"

She pushed me higher and higher and at first I was a little bit scared because my feet were way way above the ground. But soon I felt the wind in my ears and it made me laugh. Out loud. Very loudly.

Then Trevor came along. His bottom is too big to fit on a swing, so Honey hopped on to the one next to mine and he pushed us both with his great big trunk.

We laughed and laughed until I was almost sick. Then we went home for a nice big fat bacon sandwich.

I've had a very exciting week!

I've had a very exciting week! Do you remember me telling you some time ago about the book that has been written about me and my friends? Well there was a big party to celebrate this week - and we all went!

I like parties. Everyone is happy at parties. We all got dressed up quite smart; Honey wore her best shoes and everything. I was a little bit shy because there were lots of people there and I didn't know anyone - apart from Schnoss, Trevor, Jezza and Honey of course.

Schnoss and Honey mixed and mingled, Trevor ate a lot of the food and I sat under the table watching things. There was a bit of an awkward moment when Jezza started to make one of his sculptures with all the handbags and coats that people had left in one corner, but everyone was very nice. They smiled and laughed then took their coats and handbags away quite quickly. Then Jezza came under the table with me and fell asleep.

The writer woman said a few words in front of everyone. She said that she didn't want to do it really but whatever she said she made everyone laugh, which was good. Lots of people bought books and they are going to be sold in proper bookshops and everything now. The writer woman is going to talk to someone from a newspaper next week which sounds very scary to me. And something else....

Oh, Schnoss says that is a big secret and I cannot tell anyone about it....oh dear I'm not good at secrets.

Another rubbish sculpture I think but I can't be sure

I found this pile of things next to Jezza when he was asleep. I think it might be a new sculpture but it's always hard to tell: sometimes it really is just a pile of rubbish.

I poked about a bit in the pile when he wasn't looking because I liked the shape of those round things, they are very funny. Honey said they were cocks and they had come out of shampoo bottles. I said she was being very silly.

Schnoss said actually they were CORKS and they came out of bottles of CHAMPAGNE which is apparently a very delicious and lovely thing to drink, but not for puppies. He said it was very fizzy. I said I would stick to lemonade thank you very much.

I thought the cage things might be to keep very small mice in, but apparently they hold the corks on the bottles so the fizzy stuff does not shoot out everywhere and cover everyone in sticky fizz. I will definitely stick to lemonade because that sounds to be a very dangerous thing to drink.

I did take the cage thing with the picture of the old lady on it for my scrapbook. I think she looks very scary.

Something REALLY HORRID

Honey is an
ugly nastycruelstinkysmellypoopyponkyhorribletwitchy-nosedrabbitwhoupsetsmeALOT

I feel better for saying that...

a tiny little bit

It was very bad news

You know that I said Honey was acting very stangely because she was being so nice. Well she was being like that because she had very bad news.

When I'd drunk her hot chocolate and eaten her biscuit she said,

"Now that I have given you all those nice things to eat and drink you cannot be cross with me."

"But I wasn't going to be cross with you," I said puzzled. "Was I?"

She kept very quiet and pulled a stupid rabbity face. Then she reached behind her and put something on the table in front of me. At first I didn't know what it was because it was soggy and dirty and smelled quite bad. Then I recognised it.

"That's my Special Notebook for Special Thoughts and Special Things. And it's all nasty and dirty!"

Honey huffed and puffed a bit. Then she mumbled,
"Well I sort of dropped it on the ground. But it wasn't my fault! I was trying to see what you'd written about me."

I was too tired and upset to shout. But I wished that I'd written something REALLY HORRID.

I am going to think of the nastiest, horridest thing ever and that is what I will write in my Special Notebook. When it has dried out.

I am worried

I am worried.

Honey has just been very nice to me. She gave me a great big smile. Then she gave me a great big hug. And then she offered me her very nice chocolate biscuit with big orange smarties on top.

I think she might be very ill and poorly.

Or she is about to tell me some very bad news.

That rhyme I was telling you about

You know that rhyme I was telling you about? Well I don't think everyone does know it. Honey doesn't, that's for sure or else she wouldn't have asked the question. So for Honey and for everyone else here it is:

30 days has September
April, June and November
All the rest have 31
Excepting February alone
Which only has but 28 days clear
And 29 in each leap year

I know, I know, it's not the catchiest rhyme in the history of things. And that bit about '28 days clear' is just odd.

But you know, if you say it in your head enough times, you do get to remember how many days there are in each month. So you'll be ready if Honey ever asks you.

Smarty-Pants!

Smarty-Pants! That's a really funny word isn't it? It sounds like you've got a whole load of chocolate sweets stuffed down your trousers. And that would feel all gooey and squelchy and a bit uncomfortable around the bottom.

OR it could mean that your bottom is stinging a bit because Jezza has hit you by accident with a lump of wood he is using to make one his rubbish sculptures. That happened to me once and it hurt. A lot. In fact I cried quite hard all afternoon.

Honey called me 'Smarty-Pants' the other day. It was because she was asking Schnoss how many days there are in January. And before he could reply I said,
"31!"
Just like that - quick as a flashlight.
Honey looked at Schnoss and he nodded. So Honey said,
"Oooh get you! Smarty-pants!"
But she said it in a funny way and we both laughed.Which isn't something we often do at the same time.

I thought everyone knew that rhyme about days in the months.

You know it, don't you?

Rubbish Sculpture No.2

This is Jezza's latest 'Rubbish Sculpture'.

I have looked at it a lot. I have walked round it. I have stood on my head to look at it. I have screwed my eyes up really tightly and gone all squinty-eyed. I have even turned round, bent down and looked at it through my legs.

I still don't understand it.

All I know is that Schnoss got ever so very cross and shouty when he saw that Jezza had used his alarm clock.

So when their backs were turned I ate the biscuits. They were the best part of it if you ask me.

Jezza says it is called 'Time! 4 A Change.'

Eh?

It is very cold

It is very cold. To keep warm I have got my hood up, my paws in my pockets and I am running around a lot.

Honey is dancing quite energetically too. At least that's what I think she's doing. She keeps spinning round and bumping into things anyway. Which is quite funny.

Schnoss is doing more sums than usual. I don't see how they can keep him warm. But he does seem to be quite pink about the cheeks so they must be doing some good.

I don't know whether Jezza is cold or not because he's asleep. As usual.

I like Trevor's solution for keeping warm best of all though: big mugs of steaming hot chocolate and bacon sandwiches as big as his bottom. Which is very large and enormous.

New Year's Rest-Solutions

My New Year's Rest-Solution is... to sleep more! Well, that makes sense doesn't it?

Oh!

Schnoss has just told me that New Year's RESOLUTIONS are things you say that you will do and that you try very extra hard to stick to. Schnoss says they should be sensible things like eating more cabbage and being nice to Honey. Only I don't think those are very sensible things at all. Cabbage? Bleeeuch!

My New Year's Rest-Solutions will be to:
Smile more
Worry less
Learn to do the sums. (Because they are ever so very important things in life. Schnoss says so. And he should know because he does sums all the time.)